I wanted to scan in all the cards I've gotten from you. Everything I got from you I have either saved, or given back to you. I still have that fucking balloon you gave me before Valentines Day. I still can't throw away the candles from my birthday before last. I just can't let go of those memories.
But, when I looked for the cards, I couldn't find them. I don't know what I did with them. It's the things like the cards that make me still hope. At first it was our memories. But, although those memories will never fade in recognition, everyday I email you and you don't respond, they fade in importance. So I started looking at the things you have written me. You telling me you loved me, or whatever else. And for that reason I continue to try even when I hurt this fucking much. I try to push back the anger I have for you, the hate that is growing.
Maybe I try to convince myself that times were better than they ever were? Maybe that's why I wanted you when I lost you? Because we were apart, and I don't remember things as they really were? Maybe you were never anything to me? Maybe I didn't want to be with you for a reason? Maybe I deserve more? Maybe I just remember times better than they were when I was with you? Maybe I remember you being better than you really are?
But I know this is not true. That's why I wanted to scan in those cards. To show you, maybe I don't have the past skewed, but maybe it's you. Maybe you're the one who can't remember how things were? You've decided things were horrible, and refuse to see me as anything else. I know one of us is wrong, which one is it? In the cards you seem to love me. You seem to care. You seem to be happy.
I know I deserve better than this. I am told that by everyone I talk to. From Fred to Colin to Ilona to Jennie Lee. It's like it's all in one common voice, and I agree with them. I deserve so much more, more than what you gave me in the past, more than what you're giving me now. As for you, you tell me that YOU deserve better. I think you deserve the best.
These words are starting to lose meaning to me. I swear to god I will never open to anyone else ever again. No one, not even you. Not like I have. I knew better, I knew if you open yourself, you only get hurt. And you have crushed me every single day. "But you can't worry about anyone else's feelings." You are the opposite of what I would want in a person. The complete opposite. Then, why do I still wish to be with you? Simply because I love you. I wish I didn't, but I do. I just wanted to remind you that I do.
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